It does. This year, well, this year was about embracing all of it.
As always, there is a sense of optimism
and accomplishment that comes at this time of year. I’m proud of the academic
work that I’ve produced this year, and I’m actually beginning to feel
optimistic about next year. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, so in an
effort to better explain, here goes:
This year wore me out, to my core. I
know graduate school is a "learning process" but it was at the
expense of me. I couldn't find a single place where I could be
myself. I fell into the oh-so familiar trap of assimilating. I told myself that
it was the socialization process, though I knew, even then, that it was pretty
much bullshit.
In the Fall, the bright, shiny newness
of graduate school wore off by October, as expected. But from there, it was a
swift downward spiral into stress and frustration. I enjoyed my students and
the coursework, but there were other obstacles within the program design and
strategy that just didn’t jive with me as a person. I tried to advocate for
myself (and for the most part I believe that I did what I could) but I kept
running into the same walls. By April when I was still running into those
walls, my resolve was so thin that I began to seriously reconsider what I was
doing in Student Affairs.
For the third consecutive year, I
fought with my health. From April/May 2012 until late October, I felt pretty
great. Then I started the fighting the battle again, and it’s been so hit and
miss. I’ve tried lots of new things this year and some days I remember
remarking that this was the best I’d felt in years. Other days, it
was the worst I’d felt in years. I think things are improving,
but I’m ever-skeptical of what obstacle will pop up next.
At the end of the day, though, I have
soldiered on, as always. I held my resolve (barely) and I managed to continue to
have conviction about why I entered this field, and why I was choosing to stay
in it. However, that particular resolve didn’t help when the “fit” factor just
wasn’t there.
Luckily a few things did fall into
place. I chose to work in the Asian American Cultural center (AsACC, pronounced
“A-Sac”) as part of my coursework for practicum, which is basically a 3-credit
internship. The people and students that I met were open and engaging, and they
welcomed me for exactly just who I am. To say that AsACC is what I needed is a
vast understatement.
In the past two weeks, I’ve put things
in line in an intentional effort to try to improve my experience here. I
designed and have been approved for an independent study as my elective in the
fall relating to how students understand ethnic studies, I’ve decided to return
to AsACC for my second practicum, I’ve been reassigned to a new area in my
assistantship (this is a good thing!), and I just joined a community band for
the summer that rehearses once a week.
This semester became about recognizing
that I'd lost myself...for what felt like the millionth time...and trying,
desperately, to make myself feel whole again. Part of putting myself back
together was actually about making myself whole in ways that I had no idea that
I’d ever not been. In the words of one of my professors, I
“dug a little deeper." I’m ending on a high note, with optimism that the
next year will be different in an encouraging and better way.
:)
I'm not sure what this summer will
bring; my roommate moved out today (booo. so sad), and I've been told that I'll
be moving off campus prior to the start of the school year due to a housing
crunch. That's a soapbox rant for another day. But somewhere in-between that,
I've started my summer job (not enough experience to yet judge what I think of
it), and a few friends are lined up to come visit! It's finally time to explore
New England and start to appreciate the region of the country that I do live
in.
Made it.
Halfway to my master's degree, and intent on finishing.
